The Confessions of A Receptionist
by Pumples
Summary: Pam looks back at the events of ‘Casino Night’ in an interview to camera.


**The Confessions of A Receptionist**

_I don't own the characters of Jim or Pam, or anything else you may recognise in this story. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is for entertainment purposes only. I've only seen season one and two of the Office: An American workplace, so please don't blame me if the events don't follow as they do in the series._

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'Yes, it took me completely off guard! Wasn't that obvious from the footage? I didn't see it coming at all, and yes, I know, I should have.

From the start it's been easy to get along with Jim. He's fun and carefree, and, most importantly, easy to talk to. He makes me laugh, and when I'm with him I feel good about myself. He's always had this way of making you feel like you're the most important person in the room when he's talking to you, and he's not just like that with me, before you say anything, he's like it with everyone. That's what makes him so … likeable. It doesn't matter if he knows you well, or if he's genuinely interested in the conversation, he'll give you his full attention until he can politely excuse himself without any ill feeling. Then you probably won't be able to corner him for a while, but at least you'll still feel like he's your friend!

I liked spending time with him back then. He made me feel good about being myself. To him, I wasn't mousey receptionist Pam, or quiet arty Pam. I was myself, only a more confident, funny and… interesting version.

I always had an inkling that he was attracted to me. It was never anything he said, or even did. It was simply the look in his eye when he thought I hadn't noticed him watching me. Because he did that. A Lot. It was never awkward between us, but there was always something simmering away in the background. It was partly my fault, I guess, because I sort of encouraged it. The more I caught him watching me at work, the more I watched him to see if he was watching me. You know what they say? Most people only discover they have feelings for another person when they notice that they are interested in them? That's totally true. In my defence, though, I had no idea how deep his feelings were. I didn't know that he was _in love_ with me. I thought it was just a passing crush. I was flattered by it, but I never would have acted on it. I was engaged, and as far as I knew I was happy. If you'd told me then how things would turn out I would never have believed you, but then life's like that, isn't it?

My relationship with Roy should never have lasted much past High School, but for some reason it did. I guess we were just stuck in this comfortable, safe place that neither of us wanted to break away from. When he asked me to marry him I was over the moon. Getting married has always been a big dream of mine, and even though the engagement itself wasn't as romantic as I had always envisioned – Roy was plastered and threw up only moments after I'd accepted him, I genuinely thought that we would be happy together. Then, of course, I met Jim, and all of a sudden my doubts and insecurities about Roy began to keep me awake at night.

I can't tell you the time I knew that I had feelings for Jim. It all seemed to happen so subtly and gradually that it was hard to notice at first. There was just an easy camaraderie between us, and the more we got to know each other the stronger our connection grew. The closer we got, the more I began to notice the differences between Roy and me. The same things that I was discovering I had in common with Jim.

But I'm digressing. What were your questions again? Did it take me by surprise when Jim told me that he loved me? Umm… yes! We'd had a good night and were both enjoying ourselves - and yes, there'd been some flirting, but at that point in our friendship most of our interactions were spiced with the odd flirty comment or hidden look. I thought we were just having fun. I certainly didn't expect him to open his heart to me.

Would things have been different if I'd known? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it would have opened my eyes and I'd have seen just how far apart Roy and me had grown, but I still couldn't say that I would have broken off my engagement right there and then. I knew I loved Jim, but there was a huge difference between admitting that to myself and admitting it to the world. So much would have had to change in such a short period of time, and there was no way I could have handled that. I was a coward, yes, but can you blame me?

I had no idea at the time how miserable my actions that night would make me, or Jim, or Roy. I thought I was doing the right thing. I'd hoped that despite Jim being hurt we could carry on being best friends. Sounds ridiculous, I know. And totally unfair of me too. I thought I was suffering, but Jim had it much worse than me.

I thought that I was avoiding a huge, scary change in my life, but in fact, I was headed for one anyway. I didn't know it then, but no matter what I'd chosen that night everything was about to change.'

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End file.
